Unraveling Patterns of Codependency
A Gestalt and EFT Perspective on Love, Longing, and Contact
The word codependency has long carried the weight of pathology. It evokes images of people who lose themselves in others, abandon their own needs, or chronically seek validation from outside themselves. But beneath the buzzword is something deeply human: a longing to matter, to feel safe in connection, and to remain tethered even when things get hard.
From the perspective of Gestalt therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), codependent patterns are not signs of personal defect—they are creative adaptations. They emerge not only from early attachment experiences, but also from the cultural and social scripts we absorb—ideas about how love should look, who we should be with a partner, and what kinds of vulnerability are considered acceptable.
The Fundamental Need for Dependency
EFT is built on the foundation that adult romantic bonds are attachment bonds. We are wired to depend on our partners for soothing, presence, and emotional regulation. To say “I need you” is not weakness—it is a core truth of our biology and our relational lives.
Gestalt therapy adds that we exist in a field of contact where self and other emerge together, dynamically co-constructed. To be “independent” is always in relation to others. There is no self without the field.
So dependency is not the problem. The problems often arise in how we manage dependency.
How Codependency Develops as a Creative Adjustment
Many of us learned through family, community, media, or cultural expectations how to be in relationships, how to gain approval, and how to maintain connection, sometimes at a significant cost to our own clarity or sense of self.
In early caregiving relationships, these lessons are often encoded in subtle but powerful ways:
Dismissal: “You’re too sensitive.”
Guilt: “After all I’ve done for you…”
Withdrawal: “Figure it out on your own.”
Role reversal: Being the confidant or emotional support for adults instead of receiving guidance and care.
Reward for caretaking: “You’re so mature,” “You're such a good listener,” or simply only receiving attention or closeness when attuned to others’ emotions or needs.
Deflection or ignoring: Emotional expressions or expressions of need are met with silence, redirection, or flat responses - leading the child to internalize that emotional expression would not result in connection or relief.
In those settings, children learn to stay connected not by bringing their full selves, but by adapting themselves to the emotional needs of others.
As adults, this can look like:
Assuming what your partner might need or feel, and feeling frustrated when they want something different or express disappointment.
Holding yourself back—not sharing your disappointment, needs, or even joy for fear it will upset or overwhelm the other.
Giving support or care automatically, without checking in with yourself first.
Automatic caregiving without self-reflection, often leading to emotional exhaustion.
Habitual or rigid fusion—feeling responsible for your partner’s emotional state ("If they’re not okay, I’m not okay") and focusing on making them feel better to preserve the connection.
Hidden resentment or abandonment feelings, accompanied by guilt for having these emotions.
These aren’t failures of character. They are strategies developed (often unconsciously) for managing connection and feeling safe in relationships.
Manipulation as a Bid for Contact
In Gestalt therapy, manipulation isn’t necessarily negative. It’s often a way people try to shape emotional dynamics to feel safer. When someone constantly orients to their partner’s mood, holds back to avoid triggering discomfort, or tiptoes around disagreement, they are attempting to manage the emotional field so they can feel safe enough to stay in it.
In EFT terms, these strategies often mask certain emotions like fear, sadness, shame. Instead of expressing those feelings, people may turn to patterns like over-giving, shutting down, or disappearing emotionally. But the more someone avoids showing their true experience, the harder it becomes to stay genuinely connected.
What Helps Interrupt the Pattern
Disrupting codependent dynamics doesn’t mean becoming detached or overly self-protective. It means finding a way to care for others while still being honest and grounded in your own experience. It means learning to:
Ask rather than assume.
Stay present when your partner has a feeling you can’t fix.
Let your “no” be as valid as your “yes.”
Say: “I want to feel close to you, but I also want to stay connected to myself.”
Reflection Points
You may resonate with parts of this post, or it may spark something entirely your own.
Here are a few questions to help you reflect on what feels true for you in your relationships:
When do I assume my partner’s feelings or needs rather than ask?
What am I trying to protect them (or myself) from when I hold back?
What do I believe would happen if I fully expressed my wants, limits, or boundaries?
How do I respond to my partner’s disappointment or frustration?
Where did I learn what love is supposed to look like? What did I have to do to maintain closeness in my early relationships?
