Cultural Differences in Relationships
Most relationship therapists will tell you that one of the biggest challenges couples face in therapy is how they deal with their differences. One major category of difference that often goes unnamed, yet powerfully shapes how partners relate, is culture.
Culture influences us in ways so familiar that we often take them for granted.
Things like:
What it means to be a “good” person
Which emotions are allowed or discouraged
How we give and receive care
How we celebrate or what we consider to be milestones
Expectations around gender roles
How we handle money
Approaches to time
Approaches to parenting
These are cultural patterns, even though some people simply see them as “the way things are.”
And regardless of how you feel about your culture, whether you feel connected to it, disconnected from it, nostalgic, resistant, or indifferent, the influence is there. It shapes how you see the world, how you interpret others, and how you make meaning inside your relationships.
Culture Isn’t One Thing. And Being from the Same Background Doesn’t Mean the Same Experience
Culture is not only about things like ethnicity, nationality, language; it includes social norms, traditions, implicit expectations, and recurring practices that shaped your upbringing. Two people can come from what appears to be the “same background” and still have very different relationships to their culture because it has been filtered through:
their family system,
their individual temperament,
the particular community or neighborhood where they grew up,
the historical moment they lived through (for example, being raised during severe economic instability or rapid social change), and
their personal experiences.
So even partners from the same town, same ethnicity, same school system, same religious affiliation, etc. may bring very different cultural interpretations into their relationship.
How Cultural Differences Show Up in Couples
I consider every couple I work with to be influenced by cultural factors, whether or not they name it. These influences color everything: communication, expectations, conflict, affection, boundaries, and emotional expression.
Cultural differences can easily activate predictable patterns. Some people go along with their partner’s preferences, which often builds resentment over time. Some move into argument or friction, usually with the hope or intention of changing the other. And others pull back or shut down (Resnick & Resnick, 2018). With cultural differences, partners may not recognize that what they are reacting to is the meaning shaped by their background, not simply the moment in front of them (Liu et al., 2024).
Example: Preparing for Guests
Imagine a partner who comes from a background where hosting is a meaningful ritual: preparing food, tidying the home, and making sure guests feel cared for. Their partner may not share that background—perhaps guests rarely came over in their family, and when they did, nothing special was done to welcome them.
For one, hosting is an act with clear expectations.
For the other, extensive preparation feels unnecessary.
Very quickly, this can turn into:
“You don’t care enough to put effort into something important.”
“You’re putting effort into things that don’t matter.”
A difference heavily influenced by cultural practices becomes a lens through which each person interprets the other’s actions—and those interpretations often feel personal.
Example: Expressing Emotion
One partner may have learned that expressing emotions, is necessary for connection.
The other may have learned that strong emotions are disruptive or unsafe.
What one sees as honesty, the other sees as danger or instability.
Example: Same Background
Two partners may share the same broader cultural identity but grew up in families with different interpretations of that culture. For example:
One partner’s family might operate with a strong expectation of frequent check-ins, shared decision-making with relatives, and a sense that major life choices should be consulted within the wider family network.
The other partner’s family, despite coming from the same broader cultural background, may have emphasized more personal discretion, privacy around choices, and a belief that household decisions stay within the immediate family.
So when it comes time to make a major decision, one partner might say:
“We should talk to my parents/elders about this.”
And the other thinks:
“Why would we involve anyone else? It’s not their business.”
This too is culture, even when both people believe they “grew up the same.”
What Helps Couples Navigate These Differences?
Expand what counts as culture
When you recognize that your way is not objective truth but something inherited, shaped, and interpreted, humility naturally enters the conversation. This shift alone can change the tone of disagreements.
Stay curious, about your partner and yourself
Ask yourself:
How did I learn this?
Why does this feel normal or necessary?
Does this still fit who I am today?
And ask your partner:
What shaped your perspective on this?
What does this behavior mean to you?
Curiosity turns difference into discovery rather than threat.
Leave room for compromise, while checking what is truly non-negotiable
Navigating cultural differences begins with understanding your own inner landscape — what feels flexible, what feels non-negotiable, and why certain meanings carry such weight. It’s about relating authentically instead of performing harmony.
A core part of this authenticity is letting go of the fantasy that there is one “correct” way to see things. When all involved can acknowledge this, they create room for more dialogue and less defensiveness.
And sometimes, through that honest exploration, you discover that something truly cannot be compromised. That realization can be painful, disorienting, even relationship-altering. But the alternative may mean living in denial of a core relational need which erodes connection over time. If a relationship only works when you silence yourself or shrink your values, you lose the chance to know whether you and your partner are actually compatible; and compatibility is not about eliminating differences.
Concluding Thougths
Cultural differences are not limited to couples from visibly different backgrounds. They show up in every relationship, because all of us carry inherited ways of being that influence how we love, communicate, interpret, and respond.
The challenge is not the difference itself. The challenge is how we relate to it.
With humility, curiosity, and a willingness to negotiate, cultural differences become less of a battleground and more of a path toward deeper understanding. Couples can then create a shared relational culture that feels intentional and aligned.
Reference list
Parlett, M. (2018). Resnick interview – Malcolm Parlett. Retrieved from https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5e77d965f80a4423cc7f23fc/t/61b94aac8f9f6709bb532683/1639533229543/Resnick+interview+-+Malcolm+Parlett.pdf
West, A. L., Naeimi, H., Di Bartolomeo, A. A., Yampolsky, M., & Muise, A. (2022). Growing together through our cultural differences: Self-expansion in intercultural romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 50(2), 182–199. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672221121508 Europe PMC+2Studocu+2
Liu, R. W., Fanari, A., & Lee, D. G. (2024). Love better by fighting smarter: How intercultural couples develop dyadic cultural affinity through romantic conflict management. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 100, Article 101987. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijintrel.2024.101987
